A Little Background Info

I wrote a personal essay last year called "Pressing Reset" that details my big break-up and the tumultous healing process. Some blogs published it and though it's dated, I thought you guys might like to see it. Here's a link to one of the sites that feautured it. Obviously, I'm married now and another year into my relationship, but everything else is still relevant.

Take a look!

The Grieving Process

I think everyone in the world probably has their own idea about coping after a break-up. Some people really dive into their grief. They blow-off work, they watch "Love Actually" 100 times and live off a diet of E.L. Fudge cookies and frozen garlic bread. They read old love notes, sob on the phone to their friends and write horrifyingly morose poems in their journals.

Some women pretend everything is fine. They party a lot, hook-up a lot, toss the photos of their ex in the fireplace and shred homemade birthday cards into mulch. These women don't cry very often and appear calm and determined. They fly through their break-up without turning around.

Then, there's the group that won't let go. They still call and text their ex, especially after a bottle of wine, and they're full of questions. Why don't you want to be with me? What did I do wrong? Can't we fix this? They are upset and angry, but the first person they turn to is their ex.

I was a cocktail of all three. I did skip a day or two of work after I called off my wedding, and I can tell you with utmost certainty, I blubbered on the phone to my friends quite a bit in the early days. But I also did everything I could to appear strong and o.k., especially for my family. My parents and siblings were sick over what happened, and I couldn't stand that, so I did everything in my power to appear unaffected and optimistic. But I also did a little clinging. My ex and I still talked "as friends" about once a week after the break-up. That was the worst choice I made. How was I supposed to heal when every time we spoke my ex told me he missed me and would get me back some day? It was like ripping a scab off a new, tender wound.

So here's my advice on the matter. Grieve however you'd like, as long as you're not getting hurt. Don't skip so much work you lose your job or eat so much junk you gain 50 pounds. Don't bar-hop so much that you wake up every morning with a headache and a gut full of guilt. And do not hang on to a relationship that's dead. You broke up for a reason, not on a whim.

Picture Perfect

I love this wedding picture of Pete and I because we're just face forward, looking happy. This picture, to me, is perfect. But has that ever been your motivation for staying in a relationship or making a new one work?

I think a big problem I had when I split from my ex was worrying what other people thought. When he and I were together, everyone thought we were a great match. We had a lot in common, we were the same age, we were both extroverted and social. So when things got rough and I started to question our relationship, I'd immediately think, "but everyone loves us together!" and rationalize what I was feeling away.

In the same vein, when I started dating post break-up, I'd try to talk myself into a new guy. I'd find myself going through the motions of dating and then thinking things to myself like, "well, he's got a solid job and he likes animals, those are good qualities," or "his friends are lots of fun and he seems really loyal." Here's a good tip for all you new daters out there, if "he dresses neatly," is something you are actively giving him credit for, he's not the one. A nice picture isn't enough.

When I met Pete, I stopped listing good qualities. I never found myself tallying his attributes or thinking of why he might be a good fit for me, I just let myself fall in love. We had a connection, I was always crazed to see him, I loved who I was around him, and whenever his name came up or he walked through the door, I grinned like a moron. That's what you need to look for. If he wore Crocs and graphic t-shirts 24/7, it wouldn't have mattered. But let's thank God he didn't :)

There's no formula for moving on!

When I called off my wedding in the fall of 2006, I actually had a friend say to me, "you know, it takes half the amount of time you were with your ex to get over your ex." Um, I wasn't liking that. I was with my ex for 6 years, did that mean I had to bench myself for 36 months before I was ready to jump back in?

The answer is, no! I'm not sure where my well meaning friend got that sage equation, but it just doesn't make sense. Think about this, if you're married for 20 years and your husband cheats on you, does that mean you need to be 10 years divorced before you can fathom meeting someone new? What about the other extreme? If you meet the man of your dreams, date for three intense months, fantasize about your wedding day together only to have him ditch you for a co-worker and move to China, is your broken heart expected to mend in six weeks? Sorry folks, there's no rule or absolute or formula and you should never feel pressured to follow one.

I met Pete about six months after I called it quits with my ex. I had gone on a few blind dates in those months and entertained a few worthless flirtations, but I wasn't ready for a relationship until I met him. As our courtship got going in earnest, I started to worry that it was too soon to dive into something serious, but the only thing holding me back was what I had been told, not what I was feeling. As soon as I gave in and let my heart do the driving, it was like throwing open the curtains and letting the sun in. So ladies, trust me... and just trust your heart.

So What Really Happened?

When it comes to break-ups, I think one problem women have is we don't truly admit what the problem was. A phrase like, "he fell out of love with me" couldn't be more hurtful, but is it even close to accurate? Do two people go along blissfully until the day the man wakes up and realizes he's no longer in love with his partner? I don't think so. I think couples who split usually have a fundamental problem, but sometimes it's very hard to see until the break-up dust settles.

Take me, for example. When I called off my wedding back in 2006, I kept saying things to myself like, "life got in the way," and "he wasn't ready." That sounds good on paper, but there was something much more concrete going on. The truth is, we weren't a good match. I kept hoping he'd outgrow certain behaviors and he kept hoping I'd embrace them. In my mid 20s, I liked a night out at the bars. But I also liked a night in with a movie, a dinner party with friends, and a romantic dinner for two. I did not want to party every night. I didn't want to wake up with a headache on every random Wednesday. But my ex did. He wanted to hit the town, cocktail in hand, six nights a week and it bugged him that I didn't share his late night enthusiasm. That may sound like nothing in the face of our six year relationship, but it ruined us. We spent our last year or so together hoping the other person would change. I found out the hard way that when a guy hands you a ring, he doesn't grow up on the spot.

So first thing's first. If you are shattered in the wake of a break up, try to figure out why it really didn't work. Then, treat yourself to the thought of someone down the road who embodies everything you were missing out on with your now ex. Nobodys perfect, but as I plan to show you in this blog, you can and will meet someone who makes you happy and treats you well just as he is. Just check out the handsome blond in my pictures, he's living proof!

Take Two!

This blog is for every woman who has ever been disappointed by a man. It's for everyone who knows how it feels to think you've found "it," only to learn the person you rested your happiness on isn't going to come through. But more importantly, this blog exists to make sure all of you know that there's absolutely life after a broken heart. Ladies, four years ago I was just a young woman who had no idea where to turn after her engagement crumbled like a sandcastle in a storm. Today, I'm a breathlessly happy newlywed. I want you all to read my story and believe me when I say, you don't have to get it right the first time.