The Grieving Process

I think everyone in the world probably has their own idea about coping after a break-up. Some people really dive into their grief. They blow-off work, they watch "Love Actually" 100 times and live off a diet of E.L. Fudge cookies and frozen garlic bread. They read old love notes, sob on the phone to their friends and write horrifyingly morose poems in their journals.

Some women pretend everything is fine. They party a lot, hook-up a lot, toss the photos of their ex in the fireplace and shred homemade birthday cards into mulch. These women don't cry very often and appear calm and determined. They fly through their break-up without turning around.

Then, there's the group that won't let go. They still call and text their ex, especially after a bottle of wine, and they're full of questions. Why don't you want to be with me? What did I do wrong? Can't we fix this? They are upset and angry, but the first person they turn to is their ex.

I was a cocktail of all three. I did skip a day or two of work after I called off my wedding, and I can tell you with utmost certainty, I blubbered on the phone to my friends quite a bit in the early days. But I also did everything I could to appear strong and o.k., especially for my family. My parents and siblings were sick over what happened, and I couldn't stand that, so I did everything in my power to appear unaffected and optimistic. But I also did a little clinging. My ex and I still talked "as friends" about once a week after the break-up. That was the worst choice I made. How was I supposed to heal when every time we spoke my ex told me he missed me and would get me back some day? It was like ripping a scab off a new, tender wound.

So here's my advice on the matter. Grieve however you'd like, as long as you're not getting hurt. Don't skip so much work you lose your job or eat so much junk you gain 50 pounds. Don't bar-hop so much that you wake up every morning with a headache and a gut full of guilt. And do not hang on to a relationship that's dead. You broke up for a reason, not on a whim.